Thursday, December 9, 2010

to a boy.i want you to know.

dear boy,

here i am.
in my room, alone in the dark.
with only my laptop light on to illuminate this small room.
and i'm staring at your picture.
because you are miles away from me and i miss you.
are you thinking of me now?
i am.
and i'm still looking at our text messages now.
it is sweet that you fell asleep while we're texting, 
it will be much more sweeter if i could even see you fall asleep.
i wish you lived much more closer.
i wish you lived next door to me.
so that i can see you everyday.
we can go anywhere, and just be happy.
we can joke about everything and laugh off our silliness.
i could go to your house, and you could go to mine.
and just chill, and cuddle if there is no one around.
it will be just perfect.
i will cook you something and let you taste it.
and maybe you could comment it, so that i'd be a better cook.

i could imagine more happy moments with you.
but then i'd be foolish.
you are still not mine.
please, let me be selfish, this one time.

i broke your heart.true.
i made you sad,that is very true.
i promised that if i break your heart again, you have the right to hate me, every inch of me.
my heart and soul.
yes, i made that promise.
but please,i beg you.don't be around me if you were to hate me.
i can't stand being hated by you, only you.
the person who i love.
and it terrifies me so much if i ever break your heart and you will never be the same to me again.
you won't be treating me as you are now.
and i'm afraid that i will not be happy as i am now.
i'm so happy now, that i forgot i have broke your heart.
but if this is what it takes to be with you, i will give my all to make you trust me.
to prove that i'm trustworthy.

i'm glad that i met you.
there is a few that you should know.
since we've been together.
it makes me think that i want to be a better person.
you make me want to work harder.not for your sake.
for mine.
i really want to be a better person, not only to you,
but to my friends, family and everyone who knows me.
and you are the first boy that made me really cried my heart out,
and i am thankful for that, because it made me feel special.
made me feel that it is alright to be sad.
because eventually, you will make me happy again.
and i really like that about you because you refuse to see my sad face.

most of the people i know
are not like you.
you are willing to hear me talking about everything.
my secrets, my past, my insecurities
and how vulnerable i am.
it made me happy because you were willing to listen.
you told me how you felt about me.
and i'm really glad.
but please, don't keep me in the dark.
i know when you are sad and gloomy.
especially when it is about me.
please do tell me if i made you unhappy, or uncomfortable.
don't keep it to yourself.
because if you are unhappy, i'd be unhappy too.

did you know?
i'd never thought of us being like this
i had a crush on you, as you may know it
i thought i will never have my chance with you
well, from past experiences makes me think that way
that i will never have the chance to even have a moment with you.
then, when we started to talking to each other, 
i couldn't help myself to want to talk more with you.
for some reason i enjoyed talking to you.
but i was still keeping my distance.
i was not allowing myself getting too attached to you.
i tried.
but it was proven worthless.
i fell hard for you.
really, really hard.
and i don't think you have the slightest idea that i have fell for you.
because i kept it in my heart, and i don't want it to burst out,
but eventually, it slipped out.
it made me the most stupid person ever, but i just wanted you to know.
that time, i never had the slightest idea that in the future, we were as we are now.
and hey, who knows.
i might leave tomorrow, or maybe die
and there is nothing wrong with letting you know that i do love you
even though in future,
you maybe are not meant to be mine.
it was this thought that came to me,
'just tell brave and bold.'
when i thought of this might go nowhere.i almost wanted to distance my self away from you.
but i know i couldn't.
if there is one day that i didn't text you at all,
it will feel like i have not text you for a month or a year.
the text would end up being boring at some point,  but seeing your name popping out at the inbox of my phone just made my day.
when we started to hang out 
just the two of us,
i was feeling very lucky
and i could say that i'm the luckiest girl alive because i got to spend my time with the boy i like alone
even i may not have the slightest chance of being with you.
i cherish those moments that we spend together.
the day that we sat together, just talking, and staring, and holding hands
it was like magic to me.
and the first time we held hands together, i felt like flying.
everything was really magical to me after that.
was it magical to you?
i'm not that pretty, and i'm not that cute and i'm not that perfect either.
but i'll give my best to make you the happiest person on earth.

i'm a loose cannon.
i'm still having trouble with controlling myself.
my stupidity.
my foolishness.
but i'm just another human in this world.
my dearest, if i may ask.
if i were ever to break your heart again,
can you really erase me from your life?
can you truly do that?
if you could, tell me.
if you could not, tell me.
because i know i can't.
i might go off and say something like 'i can overcome this feeling'
but erasing you from my life, it is going to be hard.
really hard.
the happiness you gave me it going to be really hard to erase
it is like erasing words written in pen using a pencil eraser
and the harder you try to erase it, the paper will be torn.
i can be torn into pieces.
i may not find another person who can make me happy
who can make me dream
who can make me feel better on my gloomy days
besides you.

i just want you to know this.
i really do.
and i miss you so much, that i cried a lot today.
and i really can't wait to see you again.
and hug you tightly.
like i'll never let you go.

a girl.

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