faded?

You get to know this person, and you know he is taken from the very beginning.

Nevertheless, you confessed that you fell for him. And from there, you took the decision to backdown.

Not hoping for anything, even considered a fling.

Then he came back for you, which was unexpected. You played along.

And you mustered courage, and made your first move. 

Why did you fall for him? Because of his kindness, his thoughtfullness..well. pretty much towards everyone. Perhaps that friendship, that partnership that you have started with him, something to discuss, a reason to meet, a reason to hear out and talk and listen...he definitely is a good listener. 

That was back then when he listens a lot, to you. 

Fast forward, ten years later.

To get him to listen to you is quite a work now. Sometimes, you just want to be heard..you just want his attention. Sometimes when you talk, you get cut by him..and he will talk of something else. And, you will play along. Sometimes..

It was just recently, that you got to know that he goes on lunch dates with his co worker..and you read his messages..'make me.happy' 'dear' 'im a good listener' '2000 lunch dates'. These words..

Your heart shatters. Your worst nightmare has come true.you confronted him. Uounhabe reminded him, of how everuthing staryed. Friendship.listening.

And he has not said the whole truth. He said it was all work stuff. No more than that.he apologizes.

This was a week ago. One week has past, and it is still stuck in your head like a stage 4 tumor that just drains your life out. 

You really hope that he will act as your chemo, ease the pain away.because you have no one else to turn to.

But now..

Every look..

Every stare...

Every response..

..is very sensitive to you. 

..has he changed? Or have you?

..all questions now pop in your head.but the most..

..has it all really..faded...?

..is all of this..just acting..?

..is he..still deeply inlove with you?

Faded, 2021.

strength to seek help.

2020 is a weird year. Haha it truly is.

When 2020 started im about 5 month pregnant. I bought my own property at the end of 2019, with hopes that after i give birth i will move out of my husband's family house. 

And I just got a raise and i was literally happy as these are all blessing and rezeki from Sofea.

Then covid happen😓

I imagined, when giving birth, my husband would be by my side.

I gave birth during the first MCO, where literally the world came on a halt due to the worldwide spread of COVID. I had a c-section and managed to go through the operation smoothly. The joy and happiness that I felt when I see Sofea's face, I can't even describe it, and I never felt that happy before.

Things went downsouth when i got home. My mother in law, as much as possible wants me to rest, thus almost every night she will 'kidnap' Sofea. It was the first time in my life I have to fight the urge to scream so badly, and i felt like i want to throw everything im sight. 

So i called my mom, who wanted to be with me for 2 weeks, and I cried. Mama calmed me down.

As time goes by, things happen, and slowly I felt this urge to shout, rage and throw thingsģ building up..

..sometimes from my mother in law

...my husband

..myself...for not being a good enough person.

...or because i was not confident enough being a good mother to Sofea.

All I hear are complains, unnecessary questions..to me..about me.

Thus..i broke down..god knows how much and how many times i cried in the shower.

The strength i had to find to keep myself sane is incredibly hard. Some thoughts that always come to my mind, and they are usuly wishes..

Like

How i wish i didnt live with my mother in law from the very beginning...

How I wish to tell my husband, sometimes what you do is too perfect..and how i felt useless..

How I wish sometimes..my husband's comments/complains will not hurt my feelings...

How i wish...i can run away..

But I cant.

Thus now..i am gathering my strength..i need to seek help..talk to someone who is willing to know that i cant show this feeling to my loved ones..

I will seek help. I will.

7 Years Later.

Wah. Betul2 berhabuk aku punya blog ni. 7 years later betul. Last post was 2013. 

So in 7 years, what happened?

2013 - succesfully graduated my masters

2014 - started working, travelled with friends, changed company within 6 months.

2015 - started my educator career. Got engaged. A week after that, my dad had a stroke.

2016 - married. Resigned from my first school.

2017 - got a new job, but husband lost job. Got job back in May.

2018 - travelled to Phuket, got injured during vacation

2019 - got pregnant

2020 - covid happened. Gave birth to a pretty human being called Sofea Zahra.

 Isn't she pretty? Sometimes I can't believe how pretty she is because I am not pretty😅

I do really hope no one finds this blog active. Because i need a place to pour my heart out, considering I have less friends, and my husband, well, who would want to burden your husband right?

I do need to rant it out:work,family issues, personal issues etc. I am very close to the brink of depression. And I feel that typing it will be the best.

I did not have it diagnosed, but i do think i went through post partum depression, and it affects me still.

There are days I feel empowered, there are days I feel like crashing myself to a tree or harm myself. Thus, after 7 years, I am back, writing and typing for my own sake.

It is going to be from the heart this time. But hey i will definitely type out happy moments too.

See you in the next post.

Attempt blog dari talipon pintaq.

Gua saje je nk try nk post blog dari talipon deroid. So ape perasaannye? Iols prefer bloghing lappy lah. Sbb typing kt cik droid ni nnt byk je typo nyehhh

Anyways. Kita ada rambut baru. Seperti kanak2 ribena.meh.

suka duka awal tahun 2013.

pemalas tegar sebenarnye aku nak blog.

inilah post pertama 2013.

dan dah nak masuk march.

MAC.bulan 3.

2013.

meh.

anyways, aku dah start second semester sebagai student master electronic engineering, majoring in telecommincation system. adekah aku pernah bagitau sebelum ni?malas benau nak cek post2 yg lepas. muehehe. setelah berjaya nyawa-nyawa ikan melepasi semester satu, akhirnya aku menjejaki kaki ku yg tomels ini ke UTeM kembali.

tapi selama 2 bulan pertama 2013 ini, banyak yang berlaku.

ada duka,ada suka. hidup, biasalah.

semasa aku menempuhi onak ranjau berduri -lantaklah ayat bm aku camane pon- peperiksaan akhir masterku semester 1, family aku menerima satu tambahan yang selama 10 tahun menunggu-nunggu, akhirnya, kakak aku dikurniakan seorang baby boy yang sangat amat comel. boleh la dikatakan sebagai jewel, permata, intan, berlian, etc etc dlm family aku tu. parents aku sgt excited, 4 hari slps lahirnya Adam Gabriel bin Fadhlullah ke dunia, terus buat kenduri kesyukuran dan aqiqah. aku pun sgt excited. akhirnya jadi mak su. ecey. Adam, call me cik lilly, or aunty lilly. no bibik2 haaa..Bibik?haa...oleh kerana keluarga aku separuh Jawa, jadi mak sedara yang lagi muda dari mamanya dipanggil bibik.kalau lg tua dipanggil Wak. bukan bibik yang lambung2 tebar baby mcm roti canai tu ye.itu mental. mula2 memanglah aku takut nak pegang Adam, sbb dia baru lahirkan, dan aku ni terkenal dgn keganasan aku, jadi aku tunggu dlm seminggu jugaklah nak angkat. mueheh. bila dah angkat, tanak lepas. :3 and aku suka bau baby. wangiiiin~ jadi rumah dkt cheras tu, dihiasi dgn bunyi-bunyian baby yg comel dan banyak ragam. riuh rendah rumah yang selama ni sepi.

presenting, Adam Gabriel bin Fadlullah.ngwee :3

tapi manelah tau, didalam suka itu, secara tiba-tiba, adanya duka.

tanggal 18 Januari, 2013, ayahku diserang sakit jantung.

sesuatu yang aku mmg tak expect akan berlaku. well actually, aku mmg ada jangka akan berlaku, tapi, sebab abah tak pernah nak show tanda2 sakit, and simply kalau abah sakit, terus makan ubat and rest. so malam khamis 17 Januari, abah aku kelihatan seperti biasa, pergi balik surau, buat kerja. at 1 am in the morning, aku terdengar pergerakan abah and mama yang seperti cemas, and nak cepat.

aku dan kakak dah pelik.kenapa?

aku tgk abah turun tangga dlm keadaan lemah, mcm terhuyung hayang sikit. jadi aku suruh abah becareful. lps tu mama turun dgn cepatnya, dan disuruhnya aku papah abah ke kereta. sebaik start kereta, mama terus pecut ke KPJ Kajang. mama cakap itu je tempat dia tahu, dalam keadaan macam  tu. mama memang tahu simptom sakit jantung. chest pain yang melampau, and peluh sejuk. so, aku standby.tido dlm 2 jam, lps tu mimi (kak ngah den) call, cakap abah kena transfer to KPJ Ampang Puteri, the 3 blood vessels to abah's heart is totally blocked. so, abah have to go for an emergency bypass heart surgery in the morning. Jantung aku yang memang terberhenti masa tu. Ya Allah, mama mmg cukup pantas. mama is the hero. tabik spring saya dkt mama. jadi, pagi itu, bermulalah hari yang panjang di ICU untuk mama.

lps tahu abah have to undergo a surgery, kakak, abg Lah (abg ipar den) and me, and Adam, pergilah ke hospital, nak tgk abah sebelum masuk operation theater.abah cakap, abah paling ingat Adam je, sbb abah dah dibiuskan sudah. tapi truthfully, sebak hati memandang, risau, takut. tak sah la kalau aku tak menangis. lagi2 org touchy feely mcm aku ni. masuk around 7am, keluar dr OT ke CCU dlm 12pm.Alhamdulillah, semua selamat. tapi the first time aku tgk abah, sayu and sebak, tgk byk sgt wires and tubes in him, with the life support. sgt lemah. mampu berdoa je supaya abah okay. berapa kali aku tgk abah masa tu, masa tu lah aku nangis. mmg tak tahan. but then in the afternoon, ada complications sikit, tapi Alhamdulillah jugak, dpt diatasi.

sekarang, dah sebulan lebih ayah aku dah lepas operation, and he is getting better, day by day.

Alhamdulillah. :)

 cumanyeeeeeee...

abah is moving too fast. -__-; 

supposedly, paling tidak pun, tggulah 2 bulan at least abahku sayang nak bawak kereta, tapi dahhhhh dibawakkknyee kesana kesinin. maybe dia busan la.tp abahku syg, isterimu, anak2 mu risaukan abah. we love you, and we are deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeply concerned for your well-being abah.

soo...begitulah ceritanya. jadi cutiku, aku habiskan masa dirumah menjalani training sebagai surirumah, main2 dgn baby Adam, and do the house chores. sedikit sedikit meringankan beban mama. i know i dont do much, but i tried my best. dan akhirnya, aku kembali ke Melaka untuk mendaftarkan diri untuk semester kedua pada 15hb Februari. so basically, that sums up everything. awal tahun 2013 bermula dgn suka dan duka, but everything will eventually be alright. takkanlah sampai bila kita nak berduka lara. live goes on, and time is leaving us behind.

semoga semester kedua ini dapat kutempuhi dgn cemerlang gemilang, dan akhiri master ini dgn happynya tahun ini, InsyaAllah. 

sekian, mohon tunggu post saya yang seterusnya :)

ontah bilo la tu yo. muehehe.

HALAL FEST 11th - 14th OCTOBER.

Harlowwww!

Marilah kite reramai mengunjungi HALAL-FEST dkt PWTC nun. moh moh kite!

alang-alang itu, saya nak memperkenalkan product baru di pasaran.

Product launching akan diadakan di Halal Fiesta di PWTC bermula 10hb - 14hb Okt 2012.

Silalah sudi melawat kami di Booth No 3100 di Hall 3 di PWTC dari pukul 10am - 9pm. 

Produk2 ini available dkt PWTC, so mari mari, kita cuba!

Ingin tahu lebih lanjut tentang product, boleh call di 010-2555200.

pembelajaran berterusan.sehingga ke nafas terakhir.

post aku setelah sekian lama.

kepada yang tak tahu, aku dah habis degree.

sekarang bersambung master.

tapi diantara jangka masa sebelum aku nak sambung master, banyak lah berlaku.

sampai ke master sehingga hari ini.

alhamdulliah, aku dpt habiskan degree aku dlm masa 4 tahun.

walaupun kecundang masa first semester, walaupun cgpa aku tak memberangsangkan, nasib baik lepas untuk sambung master.

aku sebenarnye dilemma nak sambung master or nak kerja mase habis degree.

dilemma sangat.

jadi aku pon decide, lepas abis kak ngah aku kawen, aku try lah cari keje.

dapat la beberapa interview, tp kat bank.

seriously, sbb aku takut aku tak dapat kerja engineering.

yelah, 4 tahun electronic aku belajar, rase sayang pulak nak ke bidang lain.

tapi, i just open my options. begitulah kate diri aku.

lepas tu, offer letter sambung master sampai, seminggu sebelum daftar masuk.

ayah aku sangat excited aku dapat offer tu. 

dah dilemma balik.

sbb memang aku ade plan nak sambung master.

tapi mba, bukan engineering. 

dah disebabkan ayah aku cakap, 'takpe, abah sponsor.', aku nak buat macam mane lagi.

abah cakap, selagi boleh, abah bagi lah duit.

sangat2 berterima kasih dgn abah.

bila aku pikir2 balik, takpelah, tahan je lah setahun.

bertungkus lumus sikit.

dgn pointer degree aku, sumpah aku tak yakin aku dpt keje.

tapi kalau master, aku yakin aku boleh dapat.

jadi, dlm mase 2 hari tu, aku fikir2 dalam. fikir masak2.

dlm masa setahun ni, aku kena rajin, kena bertungkus lumus.

aku tak mau sia-siakan peluang yang ada ni.

maka, aku sambung.

biarlah orang cakap.

'kau tak letih ke study?'

aku seriously cakap jadi student ni memang letih.nak study.

ade mase kite merungut. membebel tu lah, ni lah.

berbagai-bagai.

tapi bila menimba ilmu, bila kita membuka mata, minda dan akal kepada pekara yang baru, kita akan rasa sangat seronok.betul aku cakap. ibarat macam dapat solve soalan add math yang susah gile dgn jayanye lah perasaan dia.

kalau seseorang tengok pembelajaran itu sebagai satu pekara yang membebankan, memanglah dia akan terasa terbeban sangat selama tu.

sebab dah diri sendiri cakap, 'aku tak suka belajar!'

tapi, pada hakikatnya, setiap hari melibatkan proses pembelajaran. semua orang mengalaminya.

selain dari pegi sekolah, pegi kelas semuanya, persekitaran kita penuh dgn benda baru.

benda baru yang kita tak penah lagi explore.

contoh yang simple: dekat melaka ni banyak lagi tempat makan kita tak penah explore.

walaupun aku dah nak hampir 6 tahun dkt melaka ni, ade jugak tempat yang aku tak penah pergi.

sbb aku tak explore lagi.

so, same thing with school. 

walaupun 4 tahun aku belajar electronic, aku rasa belum cukup lagi apa yang aku belajar.

and pantang bagi aku, orang cakap study engineering ni tak ade life.

apakah?

bagi aku, bukanlah begitu. life. define your life in your own words.

dan definisi itu bergantung kepada setiap individu.

sebab setiap individu itu berlainan.

kalau ade yang sama, itu pon sikit.

jadi don't judge a person for what they are.

they have their own ways of life.

and they know how to get there with their own feet.

post ni sebagai reminder kepada aku.

sebab aku percaya, belajar tu bagus.

bagaikan sebuah asset dalam hidup ni.

bagus tak bagus, itu lain cerita.

because everybody has something that they are good at.

dan selamat konvokesyen kepada kawan-kawan.

kita jumpa lagi.

=)