you are damaged, but yet, you do nothing about it.

i woke up at 4.

went down and have coffee.

and i see today's dishes undone.

again.

here are my confessions.

you said to me once, that you are what you are because of the way mom and dad treated you. you say you will remain as you are now, and it will never change forever. you say you have a really bad temper and you feel provoked at the smallest things. you said that you won't try new things. you say that mom and dad are very different than other moms and dads. you say that they are different from any kind of parents.

well, when i sat quietly hearing your confessions, here is what i think.

i love you, but you are just the terrible human being ever i've known. well, there are more terrible and horrible people in this world, but sometimes i am tired of you. i'm spoilt, but i think you are more spoilt than i am. have you ever try to stop and listen to whatever mom and dad say?yes, they nag, that is what parents do.it's not that they hate you, they want you to be better. but yet, you just ignore them, go up to your room, lock the door and sleep. in your disgusting bedroom. mine is disgusting as well but at least it doesn't smell like aerosol. and have you ever seen your bed? i don't know how many times you wore those clothes on your bed, but they look pretty disgusting to me. we are not perfect yes i know, lazyness has its limits. and then you said that mom never tried listening to you. mom always criticize you. mom said that you're not living your life right. from my point of view, mom is right. absolutely right. you've been working for almost 7 years, yet i see you penniless.i don't know what you have done with your money, but i don't even think that you are saving up any money. and then you said mom has been really judgmental. well, she is. she wants you to have a better life. i've seen mom getting tired of you, and she was really, really stressed because of you. remember your pmr? i cried when i saw mom like that. yet, mom didn't give up on you, but you still do things that disappoint mom. dad, i know sometimes he doesn't care much, but he really helps. he is our dad. sometimes mom comes and complain to me that she really wanted to give up on you, but she just can't. she just hopes that you just sit and talk to her. yes, you might be mad or provoked of what she is going to say, but if she does, don't run away. stay and listen no matter how much it hurts. it is for our own sake, yet her words promises a better future. sometimes, i hate to see mom nagging and complaining about you all the time. it's like mom has wasted her energy just to nag at you. sometimes i feel that you don't even know what to do with your life because all i see on your holidays, you'll just sit at home, sleep, online, watch tv but only sometimes i see you go out with your friends. well. i don't know. you lie too much. i lie too much, too, but sometimes your lies seems meaningless. and i don't know why do you have to be so angry on so little things, that even the people you don't know get to taste your temper. can't you just be nice and patient for the first few times? and talking about your pessimism, i don't know if you can even be a little optimistic. you will deny everything and you will just sit back and watch and do nothing about it. sometimes it hurts me so much that i can't stand to look you in the face, i'd just shut up and walk away. sometimes i hate you so much just because of your guts, but in the end i still love you just because you are family. just prove mom and dad that you can change for a better life. that is all to it. it is not for them, it's for you. and if you ever read this, i hope you do, don't you ever think that i'm telling this because i'm way better than you are. no, we are just the same. but, at least i'm doing something about it. i want to make mom and dad proud. make mom and dad proud. i won't be at home. mom and dad wants you to live a better life. i know, they told me. they can't tell you because everytime they try, you'd run away and shut your ears and heart. i wish you'd open your heart. do you? i don't think so. i don't even think you love mom and dad. after whatever they've done to you. you are an adult now. not a teenager. so start thinking like one.

just watching you walk makes me sick. i hate your guts.

but sometimes, i still love you. just because you are family.

love,

adik.