strength to seek help.

2020 is a weird year. Haha it truly is.

When 2020 started im about 5 month pregnant. I bought my own property at the end of 2019, with hopes that after i give birth i will move out of my husband's family house. 

And I just got a raise and i was literally happy as these are all blessing and rezeki from Sofea.

Then covid happen😓

I imagined, when giving birth, my husband would be by my side.

I gave birth during the first MCO, where literally the world came on a halt due to the worldwide spread of COVID. I had a c-section and managed to go through the operation smoothly. The joy and happiness that I felt when I see Sofea's face, I can't even describe it, and I never felt that happy before.

Things went downsouth when i got home. My mother in law, as much as possible wants me to rest, thus almost every night she will 'kidnap' Sofea. It was the first time in my life I have to fight the urge to scream so badly, and i felt like i want to throw everything im sight. 

So i called my mom, who wanted to be with me for 2 weeks, and I cried. Mama calmed me down.

As time goes by, things happen, and slowly I felt this urge to shout, rage and throw thingsģ building up..

..sometimes from my mother in law

...my husband

..myself...for not being a good enough person.

...or because i was not confident enough being a good mother to Sofea.

All I hear are complains, unnecessary questions..to me..about me.

Thus..i broke down..god knows how much and how many times i cried in the shower.

The strength i had to find to keep myself sane is incredibly hard. Some thoughts that always come to my mind, and they are usuly wishes..

Like

How i wish i didnt live with my mother in law from the very beginning...

How I wish to tell my husband, sometimes what you do is too perfect..and how i felt useless..

How I wish sometimes..my husband's comments/complains will not hurt my feelings...

How i wish...i can run away..

But I cant.

Thus now..i am gathering my strength..i need to seek help..talk to someone who is willing to know that i cant show this feeling to my loved ones..

I will seek help. I will.

7 Years Later.

Wah. Betul2 berhabuk aku punya blog ni. 7 years later betul. Last post was 2013. 

So in 7 years, what happened?

2013 - succesfully graduated my masters

2014 - started working, travelled with friends, changed company within 6 months.

2015 - started my educator career. Got engaged. A week after that, my dad had a stroke.

2016 - married. Resigned from my first school.

2017 - got a new job, but husband lost job. Got job back in May.

2018 - travelled to Phuket, got injured during vacation

2019 - got pregnant

2020 - covid happened. Gave birth to a pretty human being called Sofea Zahra.

 Isn't she pretty? Sometimes I can't believe how pretty she is because I am not pretty😅

I do really hope no one finds this blog active. Because i need a place to pour my heart out, considering I have less friends, and my husband, well, who would want to burden your husband right?

I do need to rant it out:work,family issues, personal issues etc. I am very close to the brink of depression. And I feel that typing it will be the best.

I did not have it diagnosed, but i do think i went through post partum depression, and it affects me still.

There are days I feel empowered, there are days I feel like crashing myself to a tree or harm myself. Thus, after 7 years, I am back, writing and typing for my own sake.

It is going to be from the heart this time. But hey i will definitely type out happy moments too.

See you in the next post.