When 2020 started im about 5 month pregnant. I bought my own property at the end of 2019, with hopes that after i give birth i will move out of my husband's family house.
And I just got a raise and i was literally happy as these are all blessing and rezeki from Sofea.
Then covid happen😓
I imagined, when giving birth, my husband would be by my side.
I gave birth during the first MCO, where literally the world came on a halt due to the worldwide spread of COVID. I had a c-section and managed to go through the operation smoothly. The joy and happiness that I felt when I see Sofea's face, I can't even describe it, and I never felt that happy before.
Things went downsouth when i got home. My mother in law, as much as possible wants me to rest, thus almost every night she will 'kidnap' Sofea. It was the first time in my life I have to fight the urge to scream so badly, and i felt like i want to throw everything im sight.
So i called my mom, who wanted to be with me for 2 weeks, and I cried. Mama calmed me down.
As time goes by, things happen, and slowly I felt this urge to shout, rage and throw thingsģ building up..
..sometimes from my mother in law
...my husband
..myself...for not being a good enough person.
...or because i was not confident enough being a good mother to Sofea.
All I hear are complains, unnecessary questions..to me..about me.
Thus..i broke down..god knows how much and how many times i cried in the shower.
The strength i had to find to keep myself sane is incredibly hard. Some thoughts that always come to my mind, and they are usuly wishes..
Like
How i wish i didnt live with my mother in law from the very beginning...
How I wish to tell my husband, sometimes what you do is too perfect..and how i felt useless..
How I wish sometimes..my husband's comments/complains will not hurt my feelings...
How i wish...i can run away..
But I cant.
Thus now..i am gathering my strength..i need to seek help..talk to someone who is willing to know that i cant show this feeling to my loved ones..
I will seek help. I will.
