strength to seek help.

2020 is a weird year. Haha it truly is.

When 2020 started im about 5 month pregnant. I bought my own property at the end of 2019, with hopes that after i give birth i will move out of my husband's family house. 

And I just got a raise and i was literally happy as these are all blessing and rezeki from Sofea.

Then covid happen😓

I imagined, when giving birth, my husband would be by my side.

I gave birth during the first MCO, where literally the world came on a halt due to the worldwide spread of COVID. I had a c-section and managed to go through the operation smoothly. The joy and happiness that I felt when I see Sofea's face, I can't even describe it, and I never felt that happy before.

Things went downsouth when i got home. My mother in law, as much as possible wants me to rest, thus almost every night she will 'kidnap' Sofea. It was the first time in my life I have to fight the urge to scream so badly, and i felt like i want to throw everything im sight. 

So i called my mom, who wanted to be with me for 2 weeks, and I cried. Mama calmed me down.

As time goes by, things happen, and slowly I felt this urge to shout, rage and throw thingsģ building up..

..sometimes from my mother in law

...my husband

..myself...for not being a good enough person.

...or because i was not confident enough being a good mother to Sofea.

All I hear are complains, unnecessary questions..to me..about me.

Thus..i broke down..god knows how much and how many times i cried in the shower.

The strength i had to find to keep myself sane is incredibly hard. Some thoughts that always come to my mind, and they are usuly wishes..

Like

How i wish i didnt live with my mother in law from the very beginning...

How I wish to tell my husband, sometimes what you do is too perfect..and how i felt useless..

How I wish sometimes..my husband's comments/complains will not hurt my feelings...

How i wish...i can run away..

But I cant.

Thus now..i am gathering my strength..i need to seek help..talk to someone who is willing to know that i cant show this feeling to my loved ones..

I will seek help. I will.